Mr Isak Spitalen, a clinical psychologist from counselling service provider The Other Clinic, said that distance compounds this disconnection by putting friends on different timelines – not just different time zones, but different life stages and emotional rhythms.
For instance, as your friend turbocharges her career overseas, you might be starting a family at home. “Your diverging experiences can create a subtle sense of ‘we’re not quite in sync anymore’, which slowly pulls people apart,” he added.
Connecting often feels more urgent for one friend than the other. While one person builds a new life abroad, the friend staying behind may not experience broader changes in his or her own life. This may mean one person longs for the connection more, causing mismatched expectations.
The experts agreed that combating the loss of routine and proximity requires a shift from a passive and organic connection to an active and deliberate maintenance of the relationship.
This entails planning, communicating and even possibly refreshing expectations.
THE CASE FOR TALKING ABOUT IT
To align expectations and set up a structure for the friendship, you may want to have an honest but low‑pressure chat with the friend about staying in touch.
Ms Qi Zhai-McCartney, the founder of private therapy practice Seeing Qi Therapy and Coaching, said it would be good to have a conversation before someone moves away.
“Ask about what the other person needs and on your part, offer what you can realistically provide, and vice versa. This helps you set expectations and avoid unnecessary hurt.
“For example, try saying ‘I want to stay close even when we don’t live in the same city. How can we make that work for us?’”
Mr Spitalen pointed out that communication styles can differ and that it may help to name your communication styles: “For example, you may say, ‘Hey, I know I take longer to reply sometimes, but I love hearing from you’. This helps the other person understand that it is not personal.”
He also said that these conversations are best approached with some flexibility.
“Sometimes, an agreement that feels too strict, like scheduled weekly calls, can really create pressure and might not work out as hoped,” he cautioned.
“It is often much better to have a light and open conversation about what feels achievable for both sides, as this approach tends to be more sustainable and enjoyable.”
Schedules and appointments aside, Ms Tan from Mind What Matters said that it does help when both parties have the intention to stay in touch once in a while. “Pre‑planned phone calls are usually found to allow for more meaningful and deeper conversations compared to ad‑hoc and haphazard ones.”
