I’ve heard the argument for having just one or two children countless times. It goes like this: “I want to be able to love my children equally, and having more children would make that really difficult.”
Point taken, but as a mum of five kids aged two to 12 years, I’m here to argue and stand by my reality: I love each of my five kids equally, and I’m willing to die on this hill.
Naysayers might point out: “But you only have a pair of hands and 24 hours a day. You’re outnumbered all the time. How could you possibly give each of your children the individualised attention and love they need?”
My trick isn’t in having more hands – although I wish I did.
In fact, my “trick” isn’t a trick at all. All I do is make every effort to know each of my children inside and out, and spend quality time with them.
There’s simply no shortcut or replacement for truly knowing who my kids are and respecting them as individuals. For me, this is the key to loving each of them equally, in exactly the way they need.
It’s also about not favouring one over the other in any way, and making sure I apologise if I’ve ever made them feel less than their sibling, because comparison truly robs you of joy.
EQUAL LOVE DOESN’T MEAN EQUAL TREATMENT
I love my children equally, but I love them in different ways. Some might disagree, but it is precisely because I love them equally that I treat them differently in the first place.
Take school work, for example.
These days, I spend extra time with my younger daughter on her writing, spelling and reading, as well as coaching my eldest son, who is currently taking his PSLE.
That doesn’t mean I love them more than the others – it just means these are the seasons when they need more from me.
When the older ones were younger, I gave them the same focused attention.
And after next week, my PSLE child will no longer need this level of support anymore.
And it’s not just academics. The way my children show and receive love is also different.
One loves receiving and giving hugs and kisses, while another loves it when I pack his favourite food for lunch. A third always asks us to play board games with him, while another delights in made-up stories on morning car rides to school.
If I insisted on treating them all “the same”, like playing board games with every child, for instance, it wouldn’t land in the same way.
Instead, I try to learn what fills each child’s “love tank”, and give them that. To me, that’s how they know they’re equally cherished – not by receiving identical treatment, but by being loved in the way that makes sense to them.
