Financial services manager Dion Sng, 26, meets clients all the time and often feels compelled to say “yes” to their requests even though she might not be completely willing to do what they are asking.
She admits that it is her way of trying to please everyone.
She recalled that some clients would ask to schedule appointments with her as late as 10pm. This leaves her with less time to rest and recharge for the next day.
“It eats into my personal time. My day also usually starts very early because I have to lead a team,” she said.
However, to build good relationships with them, she would agree to meet them at their convenience.
Ms Sng also said that one of them asked her for a birthday treat although they had agreed that the meeting would be purely business. This client was also a long-time friend of Ms Sng, so the lines were blurred.
“I feel certain things (like this) are beyond my job scope as a consultant. I shouldn’t be doing favours like this for individuals.”
She added that she had acceded to the birthday treat request, but she is now learning to set boundaries.
Such challenges are common in workplaces. Colleagues or clients might take advantage of the tendency of some people to be “people pleasers” to give them more work or set unrealistic expectations.
And this can lead to burnout and resentment, mental health experts said.
Counsellors interviewed by CNA TODAY said that people pleasers forgo their own wants or needs for the benefit of others. They struggle to assert themselves, downplaying their stress when they take on tasks beyond their official responsibilities.
Senior counselling psychologist Celine Edmund, who runs a private practice called Singapore Personal Counselling Service, said that the willingness of these people to compromise and collaborate makes them valuable in team settings.
However, excessive people-pleasing can lead to emotional exhaustion and leave these workers vulnerable to exploitation, creating unhealthy power dynamics in the workplace.
Therefore, striking a balance between being considerate and maintaining personal boundaries is essential, she added.
Sne also said that people-pleasing is not an inherent trait but rather a learned behaviour, developed through social conditioning.
So, what causes someone to become a people pleaser?
SAYING “YES” FEELS SAFER
People turn out this way for many reasons. Ms Amanda Tay, a counsellor at Eagles Meditation & Counselling Centre, said that it can be seen as an adaptive behaviour shaped by early childhood experiences.
From a young age, people may learn to associate their self-worth with others’ approval or satisfaction.
“Growing up in strict or unpredictable households, where saying ‘no’ led to punishment or withdrawal of affection, could teach a child that compliance ensures safety.”
Counsellor Janet Gay from mental health technology company Intellect echoed this sentiment, saying that if children receive approval, warmth or validation only when they comply with others’ needs, they may internalise the belief that their worth is dependent on pleasing others.
Ms Gay added that some cultures emphasise deference to authority or seniors, reinforcing the idea that saying “no” is rude or selfish.
Over time, these tendencies become ingrained, whether consciously or unconsciously, Ms Tay said.
“The nervous system begins to perceive exclusion, disapproval or conflict as a threat, triggering a biologically adaptive response to comply, appease or overcommit.”
As a result, social belonging is prioritised over personal well-being, leading people to put harmony first at the expense of their own limits and needs, Ms Tay said.
