While my baby is the greatest gift I will never regret, the first few weeks of caring for him as a new mum were brutal.
His wails and cries were loud and mighty from the moment he was born. He also struggled with sleep, which meant I struggled along with him. Getting him to sleep was a Sisyphean task.
My husband and I would take turns spending hours singing, rocking and shushing him to doze off, only to restart the whole cycle again because he would wake up the moment we put him in bed.
Google and well-meaning comments told us: You finally have a baby, you must feel grateful! The newborn phase goes by so fast! Blink and you’ll miss it!
But all I remember is blinking continuously and still feeling stuck.
Being a new mum was a jolt to my whole being. No amount of books, podcasts or websites prepared me for how shocking the change was.
As I learned to adjust, sometimes dread would fill me. I wondered to myself and aloud to my husband, will caring for our son always be this way? Will we figure out a routine that works for us? Will we ever feel like ourselves again?
To these incessant questions, my husband would hold me close and assure me that yes, even if it’s difficult, we will figure things out. We will find our rhythm as new parents, even – and especially if – that looks different to what we’ve been used to.
EMBRACE THE GRIEF – IT HELPS YOU WELCOME THE NEW SEASON OF PARENTHOOD
When I started recognising this grief, the emotion that came almost immediately was guilt. I felt guilty for missing my pre-baby life when my son, whom I love dearly, was in front of me.
Part of this guilt-grief stemmed from the fear and realisation of my responsibility as a parent. The decisions my husband and I made would now directly affect my son and the person he grew up to be. Coming to terms with that was another shock to the system.
But while terrifying, the realisation also empowered me. I couldn’t simply sit and complain about missing my old life. I may be tired and longing for freedom, but I must be present for my son. I have to be a responsible mother.
