A SAFE ENVIRONMENT FOR PARENTS AND CHILDREN
The onus is on parents to set appropriate boundaries and model the behaviour, because our children look at what we say and do to guide them.
An example in the broader parenting context could be for those looking to manage screen time for young ones: Define the limit (when the minute hand on the clock reaches this number) and the parent’s behaviour (I will switch off the TV). Articulating parameters well helps communicate expectations better, which helps the child appreciate how and when to behave. The key is staying consistent and maintaining a firm but fair approach.
Practising the basics of maintaining healthy boundaries can help parents better think on our feet for the more complex scenarios, especially ones in which parents must redefine and re-explain boundaries, such as appropriate/inappropriate touch, propriety and consent as their children get older.
Make it a habit to check-in with your children on their thoughts and feelings, so their behaviour is not always a focal point of contention.
Behind every behaviour lies a function – the why. Parenting is about uncovering that function to better understand what the parent or child is trying to say to each other and learning to understand the meaning of behaviours rather than fixate on behaviours.
If tensions run high at home, consider defusing the situation first, finding your calm, and thinking about the original intention of the instruction/gesture you’d like to communicate. Then try to approach it differently.
A good way to see it is that children are still learning and trying their level best to manage their underdeveloped emotions, tolerance of stress, listening skills, and their need to model these behaviours after yours.
Dr Shawn Ee is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalytic psychotherapist at The Psychology Practice, with close to 20 years’ experience in child and adolescent psychology.
