WHAT CHIPS AWAY AT ADULT FRIENDSHIPS?
To go back to basics, how important is it to ensure that friends continue to clock in face-to-face time together as we grow older? After all, the online world has made it so easy to keep in touch virtually.
Does a reduced level of personal interaction necessarily cause adult friendships to fall apart?
The answer I got from experts in the field of relationships is that, to some extent, not being able to spend quality time together does affect friendships.
After all, relationships require effort to grow. And quality time spent together – whether through engaging in meaningful conversation or having fun with each other – can go a long way in building up the connection, they said.
As we grow older, however, we also face competing demands for our time. We may be at different life stages where we would have to cater to other needs and responsibilities that demand our attention.
Ms Jean Chen, director at Relationship Matters, which conducts counselling, workshops and team-building services, said that these preoccupations may include climbing the corporate ladder as a young working adult, balancing work and caring for children a bit later on in adulthood, or trying to build a retirement nest egg as an older adult.
Ms Theresa Pong, founder and counselling director at The Relationship Room, which provides counselling and coaching services, said that friendships grow easily through shared time and experiences when people are younger.
Conversely, having less time together as adults can make it harder to stay connected.
Having said that, reduced time together is just one aspect of a relationship dynamic.
Other factors such as possible differences in values, lifestyles, political opinions, career opinions or parenting styles may also put a strain on friendships, Ms Pong added.
People also evolve as they grow older.
Dr Shrutika Kapoor, counsellor at New Leaf Counselling and Integrative Health, which provides services to promote well-being, said that people’s needs and expectations of a friendship may change and a misalignment of what they require out of it may also cause friends to drift apart.
ALIGNING NEEDS AND EXPECTATIONS
In reality, most of us just do not have as much time or energy to spend with friends dear to us as we would like, or even in the same way that we might have done when we were younger.
And it is normal that the nature of relationships and connections we share with friends evolves as we grow older, the experts said.
There is no need to despair over that. Being honest and vocal about what we expect or require, even as our needs change, could be a helpful first step in keeping friendships strong as we age.
For one thing, the same person might have different expectations of the various friendships they share with different people.
Dr Shrutika said that someone may have a few friends with whom they engage in deep conversations and also some other close friends with whom they just have fun.
“It doesn’t have to be one-size-fits-all. Different relationships have their own goals and needs, so it’s more about fulfilling these individual needs.”
One may calibrate these various types of friendships by having honest and open conversations with friends about their expectations, which can also allow for deeper connections, she added.
And having different goals or priorities for the friendship is not necessarily a relationship killer, the experts said. What is more crucial is being able to arrive at a compromise on how each other’s needs can be met in the friendship.
Ms Pong the counsellor said: “It is okay to have different goals or priorities. What is important is for each other to be respectful and to validate each other’s perspectives.
“For example, one friend may prefer frequent catch-ups, while another prefers occasional but authentic and deep conversations.
“By aligning through honest and kind communication, you develop a lasting friendship that respects both your needs.”
Agreeing, Ms Chen said: “It takes both hands to clap, so a friendship can become strong only when both parties are willing to give equal commitment to it.
“If your friend doesn’t respond the way you need your friend to, or if you are not willing to respond to your friend’s needs, then this may not be the bestie relationship that you are looking for.
“A strong friendship is one where your friend will try to meet your needs and vice versa.”
