Self-regulation sounds intuitive, but it is not something innate. It is a skill and one that must be taught and practised, like any other.
When we learn how to self-regulate, we can model how to keep cool when faced with big feelings or inconveniences. We are able to stay calm, think clearly and react with intention, even when we are running on caffeine and only three hours of sleep.
HARDER THAN YOU THINK
I wish I had learnt to self-regulate before I learnt how to swim or ride a bicycle. Now, as an adult, I would rather feel the pain of giving birth again than have to give deference to a child’s every mood, all while keeping my voice within the “gentle” threshold, just to get them to brush their teeth or put on their freaking shoes.
It doesn’t come easily at all. A friend once asked me: “We’re facing an economic crisis, a climate crisis, mental health issues and a million work deadlines. Why add this pressure to gentle parenting, too?”
And my answer was: Because I’ve seen it work.
One small but meaningful win came during a particularly stressful afternoon. I was on a Teams call at work, trying to sound like a competent professional, when my three-year-old marched into the living room and, right before my eyes, dumped an entire bowl of cereal onto the carpet.
My gut reaction: Yell. Scold. Lecture.
But instead, I muted my microphone and, as calmly as I could, told him that I was overwhelmed and asked if he could clean up the mess.
He looked up at me and, without missing a beat, said: “Okay, Mum. Do you need a hug or some space to breathe?”
I was stunned. This tiny human, covered in crumbs, had just offered me the exact compassion I’d been trying to model for him. It was one of those moments that made all the effort feel worthy.
