“INSIDIOUS” TACTICS
Domestic abuse is not confined to children – in some cases, it extends to spouses.
On average, it takes women experiencing domestic violence seven attempts before they “finally leave for good”, said Ms Caris Lim, director of the CARE team at the Association of Women for Action and Research (AWARE).
The CARE team comprises a women’s centre and a sexual assault care centre.
Ms Lim shared an incident where a stay-at-home mother could not safely communicate with others as her husband worked from home. She was physically, emotionally and verbally abused.
“(The woman) found it hard to leave the marriage, as her sense of self was completely destroyed after years of abuse.”
“The fact that the abuse was directed at her and not her children made it even more difficult for her to leave the marriage, as she told herself that ‘at least he is a good father to the children’.
“(She) had to excuse herself and go to the bathroom in order to call us. While on the call with her, our helpliner had to explore safety planning with her, knowing she could only respond with ‘yes’, ‘no’ or other monosyllabic answers.”
She was asked to call the police if she feared for her safety, and was taught how to schedule an online chat if she could not speak on the phone.
Once she was ready, she took the children to her parents’ home and began plans to file for a divorce and a personal protection order.
Although such victims physically find a way out, the trauma does not end there, said Ms Lim.
“Even if an individual has left the abusive relationship or environment, the body can still remember the abuse because the memories are stored physically in the body’s tissues.”
Ms Tay Yu Ping, social work lead of TOUCH Family Support, said that while there are instances of reconciliation, this might be a “honeymoon phase”.
Without addressing the underlying issues, the cycle of abuse is likely to repeat after this phase, she added. In many cases, the victim finds it difficult to leave as they rely on their spouse for their basic needs.
“They would think: what if I no longer have that financial support? What if I no longer have that shelter to stay in?”
AWARE’s Ms Lim said the group is hearing that abusers employ “more insidious” psychological, emotional and financial tactics to control their victims.
These include threats to harm family members or pets, gaining access to passwords for phones and emails and destroying personal property.
In some cases, the abuser also guilt-trips them into staying in the relationship. Some isolate them from their friends and family – often in the guise of “love and concern” – while others cancel all credit cards and make the women “beg” for finances to meet daily needs.
