When my husband and I argue, all he has to do to drive me bonkers is tell me to “calm down.” Deploying those words is akin to pouring oil on fire, therapists say. Meanwhile, my bad habit is defaulting to phrases like “you always” – another no-no.
But while it’s easy to rattle off comments that couples should avoid, it’s trickier to identify the expressions that can help strengthen relationships, even in the midst of a disagreement.
So I asked several couples therapists to share their recommendations for improving communication with a partner. Keep in mind: No one phrase is a panacea, and your timing and tone are important.
“YOU START.”
Conflict often arises when partners are struggling to be understood by each other – at exactly the same time, said James Cordova, a professor of psychology at Clark University and author of The Mindful Path To Intimacy.
“We’re like two fire hoses pointed at each other,” Dr Cordova said. “We’re fighting harder to be heard.”
Saying “You start” is a simple way to “flip that script,” he added. It signals that you really want to understand where your partner is coming from.
“CAN WE SLOW DOWN?”
Heated arguments usually happen fast, said Allen Sabey, a clinical assistant professor at Northwestern University. People tend to become reactive, which can quickly turn into “blame, defensiveness, criticism, avoidance,” Dr Sabey warned.
Asking “Can ‘we’ slow things down?” acknowledges you both have a role to play in responding to one another with more curiosity and care. Crucially, it is different than telling your partner to calm down, Dr Sabey added, which can be “emotionally dismissive.”
“I SEE THE IMPACT I HAD ON YOU.”
A lot of couples that Tracy Dalgleish treats are stuck in a cycle of arguing about their intent, she said. “They’ll say, ‘But I had good intentions! Why can’t you see that?’” said DrDalgleish, a psychologist and author of “I Didn’t Sign Up for This.”
But part of recovering from a conflict is acknowledging the effect you had on your partner, whether or not it was intentional, DrDalgleish said.
“WOULD THAT BE OKAY?”
In his work as a sex therapist, Dr Stephen Snyder is tasked with asking clients personal questions about delicate subjects. He often starts with: “I need to ask you about X. Would that be okay?”
“Over time, couples pick that up and start talking that way to each other, often with excellent results,” said Dr Snyder, author of Love Worth Making.
For instance, instead of launching directly into a conversation about your partner’s family, he said, you might say something like: “I’d like to talk to you about your mother. Would that be okay?” Those four words can quickly convey kindness and consideration, Dr Snyder said.
“WHAT DO YOU FEEL THAT I’M NOT GETTING ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE?”
In almost every relationship, there are ways in which each person is not going to feel fully understood, said Adam Fisher, a psychologist and sex therapist. In moments of conflict, you might say something like: “The story I’m telling myself about this is that you don’t care. But how do you actually feel?”
Partners often behave as though they are mind readers, Dr Fisher warned. So telling your mate something like, “I want to understand more where you’re coming from” can be really validating, he said.
“LET ME TRY THAT AGAIN.”
Laurie Santos, a psychology professor at Yale and host of The Happiness Lab podcast, pointed to research from John and Julie Gottman, the renowned marriage researchers, that suggests happy couples are good at “repair attempts” – any statement or action that prevents negativity from escalating.
“My favourite is, ‘Let me try that again,’” Dr Santos said. “I use it whenever I say something not right, or when something came out harsher than I wanted.”
“WHAT DOES THE RELATIONSHIP NEED FROM US RIGHT NOW?”
When you and your partner are stuck in a power struggle, step back and consider that it’s not just about your needs versus the other person’s needs, said Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist and host of the Reimagining Love podcast.
Pausing to ask: “What does our relationship or marriage need right now?” is a macro-level shift in perspective, she said.
You might realise, for example, that “this marriage needs me to slow down and check in with my partner before I make a decision,” she said, or “the marriage needs us to really protect our time a little bit better in the evening.”
“THANK YOU.”
Gratitude is the foundation upon which many healthy relationships are built, said Terri Cole, a psychotherapist and the author of Too Much: A Guide To Breaking The Cycle Of High-Functioning Codependency.
Cole often assigns thank yous as homework to couples she works with – and she employs them at home, too.
“My husband and I thank each other for everything,” Cole said. “Thanks for making the bed, thanks for unloading the dishwasher, thanks for unloading the laundry.”
The technique might feel forced, even “corny” at first, she said. But expressing gratitude sends a powerful message: “You are appreciated.”
By Catherine Pearson © The New York Times Company
The article originally appeared in The New York Times.
