Commentary: Singapore parents need to let go of the cane and guilt

“I WAS CANED AS A KID, AND I TURNED OUT FINE”

Our study found  a persistent intergenerational link when it comes to the use of physical discipline. Even parents who disagreed with its use spoke about “subconsciously” defaulting to it out of “muscle memory”, because of their own childhood experiences.

It takes intention and effort to choose to parent differently. Besides having to reconcile with the hurt from our upbringing, we also need to leave behind deeply rooted personal and societal beliefs about physical discipline.

But what are some of its prevailing misconceptions and how should we overcome them?

You’ve heard the term “I grew up being caned and I turned out fine”.

In our study, young adult respondents we also spoke to who were physically disciplined as children grew up with poorer emotion regulation, self-esteem and parent-child relationships.

Sure, we may be able to function in our everyday lives, but if we look closer at our social-emotional selves, are we able to cope with negative emotions in healthy ways? Is our self-worth based on other people’s perception of us? Do we have a positive, thriving relationship with our parents? These are important markers that tell us whether physical discipline has impacted us, beyond what we project on the surface.

Another misconception is: “Physical discipline is ok, as long as I am calm and rational when I use it.”

That is what the parents in our study thought too – that it is alright to use physical discipline if parents are in control of their emotions. But ironically, they were often not.

Instead, most of the parents reported feeling very angry or frustrated in the moment and physical discipline was typically used on impulse, as shown in the case of this parent:

“Usually it depends on my mood and my stress rather than what they did … If I’m really stressed out, that’s when I don’t really think and I react to the situation, so then I find myself physically punishing them.”

Is it then even possible to use physical discipline on children “judiciously”, or in a “measured” way? If parents were (actually) calm in the moment, might they also choose to discipline their children in a different, non-physical way?