HOW TO SAY SORRY
Apologies are essential to maintaining good relations, but it is better not to be too hasty with an apology, the experts said.
A quick apology to ease the situation without acknowledging the pain may seem insincere or dismissive. This is especially crucial in situations where the harm caused was unintentional.
“Apologising can be counterproductive if we are too quick to apologise before understanding the situation and listening to the other person,” Ms Liew said.
After considering the other person’s point of view, remember that the intent of the apology is just as important as the apology itself.
“An effective apology is more than just saying ‘sorry’. It’s about showing genuine effort to repair the harm and rebuild trust,” Dr Chow said.
She added that an effective apology fosters understanding and healing, while a poorly delivered one may leave the other person feeling invalidated or angrier.
And a genuine apology should include not just remorse but also a clear commitment to change, if that is applicable to the situation.
“Start by naming the hurt caused, showing genuine remorse and expressing a willingness to make things right,” Ms Pong said, adding that framing an apology with empathy is crucial for healing.
For example, instead of saying, “I’m sorry”, try instead to say, “I understand how my actions hurt you and truly regret that”.
When apologising, it would be helpful to avoid statements with “but” and “you”, because “but” may imply a lack of responsibility for the situation and “you” could imply a personal attack on the other person, Ms Liew said.
For those who find speaking face-to-face too intimidating, writing a thoughtful text message or note can be just as effective.
“What matters most is your effort to validate the other person’s feelings and demonstrate your commitment to repairing trust, even if you can’t say the words ‘I’m sorry’ right away,” Dr Chow said.
DON’T OVERDO IT
There are people who would benefit from reflecting on why apologising is difficult for them, Ms Liew said.
Doing such self-reflection can help them become more aware of triggers and unhelpful patterns.
“Being self-aware is the first step to minimising rash and automatic responses that may hurt us and the other person,” she added.
In some instances, there is also the risk of getting used to apologising without understanding one’s intent and then falling into the habit of over-apologising.
Dr Chow said over-apologising dilutes the sincerity of one’s words and may come across as not genuine or overly self-critical.
“Instead of criticising yourself entirely, focus on the specific behaviour.”
For example, say, “I’m sorry I missed our meeting”, rather than “I’m sorry I’m so bad at everything”.
Apologising doesn’t mean agreeing to things that make us uncomfortable or appeasing others by sacrificing our boundaries, Dr Chow added.
“Instead, we can acknowledge and apologise for the disappointment or unhappiness that arise due to our boundaries, but we should not apologise for, give in or forsake our boundaries.”
Over-apologising could lead to unhealthy relationship dynamics where “taking on blame” is the go-to approach to discomforting situations, Ms Liew cautioned.
“It may also reflect our people-pleasing behaviours, because we may think that apologising could quickly stop the conflicts.”
