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SINGAPORE — The seconds felt like minutes as my friend pondered in silence. We had known each other for years, yet the awkwardness was evident as she tried to answer my question: “At what age would you say you were the happiest?”
Maybe I should have just started with the usual small talk, I thought.
Then, she replied: “When I was 18 years old. Everything about adulting was exciting at 18.”
I could not agree more.
We were trying our hand at “big talk”, the antithesis of small talk. It refers to purposeful and intimate conversations to know someone at a deeper level, beyond just questions of the day and the weather.
Big talk has been gaining in popularity among Gen Zers and millennials alike, with more searching for questions to ask.
Social media platform Pinterest reported that it has seen search terms for “deep questions to ask friends” up 85 per cent, and “questions for couple to reconnect” up 480 per cent, among other similar search terms.
This has prompted it to list big talk among its list of trends expected to blow up in 2024.
Two counsellors told TODAY that big talk is a great way to deepen a relationship, which plays a significant role in our mental health.
But as the awkwardness and anxiety attempted to consume me, I could not help but wonder — how effective can big talk be?
ANXIETY HURDLE
When I sent my test subject — a friend I had met through my studies at Temasek Polytechnic — a request to meet and talk, her first response was: “Are you okay? What happened?”
It was not surprising. A request to meet for a heart-to-heart talk often means a need for someone to confide in.
But when I told her that I simply wanted to know her better, she responded with laughter: “Can, but don’t we know each other for more than six years? Isn’t it awkward to have a conversation like we don’t know each other?”
Six years might have been a long time, but we never realised how little we knew each other till we met for our conversation over dinner.
Armed with a list of questions I had found while searching for topics for deep conversation online, we decided to go down the list.
It was awkward at first, as we struggled to come up with answers to questions that were deeply personal, such as “describe an event that had the greatest impact on you” and “what keeps you from being able to confide in someone”.
My fear that my answer could potentially ruin the mood or that I might be trauma-dumping contributed to my anxiety.
This was reflected in the unwieldy reply I conjured while explaining why I have a fear of being ignored or overlooked in conversation.
The silence as my friend thought about her answers also added to the anxiety as I worried the question might have overstepped her boundaries.
However, finding similarities in our answers helped us ease into our big talk. And as we asked each other follow-up questions, we soon ditched our list of prompts as the conversation flowed naturally.
As the restaurant was about to close, we ended our conversation with a tight hug and made plans to have another big talk session.
“It was weird to have a heart-to-heart when one of us is not near tears because of stress at first, but it’s actually really nice,” she said.
I agreed, heading home with not just a deeper understanding of my good friend, but also of myself.
DEEPER RELATIONSHIP
The growing trend towards big talks shows a desire for “more substantial discussions, perhaps involving key topics, personal reflections or significant life matters,” said Ms Theresa Pong, founder and counselling director at The Relationship Room.
“Humans have an innate need to bond with one another. Having big talks with one another is one of the key ways to establish this connection,” she said.
Such deep conversations allow us to build a community of friends who share similar values, aspirations and principles.
“In being vulnerable with people we trust; we feel validated and also begin to embrace our struggles whole-heartedly. This creates an environment where we can embrace our true selves,” added Ms Pong.
While there can be anxiety when trying to have a big talk — often fuelled by worry about how others may perceive you and the fear of being rejected by others after sharing something personal — Ms Pong said big talks are part of the process of relationship-building
“It is through this process we learn to take risk and find our tribe. It is also through this process that we learn to create a safe environment to have the big talk,” she added.
Pointing to several studies, Ms Pong said that building relationships is crucial for mental health as strong relationships “create a sense of security and certainty… helping to reduce anxiety.”
Co-founder and chief growth officer of Talk Your Heart Out Chirag Agarwal added that there are benefits to having big talks proactively, rather than in a reactive manner during a fight or crisis.
“You are in control. You can determine the scope, time, place, environment, duration and people involved,” he said.
“Furthermore, you can ensure you are in the right headspace and have a plan of action, not allowing your emotions to dictate how the conversation goes.”
For those who want to have a big talk with a loved one, Ms Pong said it is important to choose an appropriate time and place where both parties are comfortable and have no distractions.
Being curious is another important point, as it helps us to “establish deep connections with one another, build empathy and avoid misunderstanding”, said Ms Pong.
“Essentially, remember to ask open-ended questions and be an active listener in the whole process of having a big talk.”
Mr Chirag echoed: “It is important to recognise that big talk is inherently uncomfortable because we have to be vulnerable and the outcome is often uncertain.
“Small talk may be fun, fast and easy, but big talk is what makes a relationship flourish even though it’s hard, takes courage to initiate and makes us feel vulnerable.”
