This seems easy enough but it is not something that everyone can do on the fly. So first, thoroughly understand your own personal values – decide what is important to you and what your non-negotiables are.
This includes areas such as use of language or specific words, instilling positive mindsets in the children, maintaining a healthy diet and an active lifestyle, or reducing prejudice.
Once listed, discuss them with your spouse until you both agree. Then, speak to your in-laws – you may need a sit-down session with them, as well as be armed with examples of the boundaries.
For example, if your in-laws tend to use negative language with your children (“So stupid!”), you could suggest they say, “Let’s find a better way”, instead.
You can also ask them if they’re comfortable with sharing their boundaries with you and if you have encroached on those unknowingly.
Dan Ng, a registered counsellor with Singapore Association for Counselling, said: “Ideally, it is good to set a boundary early in the relationship. Depending on the situation, it may be difficult to clearly draw or define a line. It boils down to cultural and value differences, and having a mutual understanding of each other’s values.”
There are no right answers. Boundaries are different for different people. For example, some in-laws expect to see their children (and grandchildren) every day, while others feel that once a month or fortnight is fair, to cater more time for other activities.
Don’t forget to share your boundaries with empathy, considering that your in-laws may not have had experience with the “younger generation” telling them no.
