Ever felt like your husband doesn’t understand what you’re saying anymore? You feel you both aren’t connecting in the same way as before, and you wonder, “Has the spark gone out?” or think, “This is normal after years of marriage and settling into a routine”.
Experts say beyond love, things like honesty, respect, empathy, gratitude and trust are important to building a healthy relationship. One major factor is how we communicate with each other.
But what happens in long-term relationships? The spark you had in the beginning or that longing to talk for hours starts to wane. Your conversations become more about errands and family schedules instead of experiences and dreams. That dilutes your connection to each other.
A friend who has been married for 20 years said recently: “I don’t talk to my husband except about my children’s schedules, what we’re going to do about the school holidays and also when I need to go out. It’s as if we’re roommates and not life partners. And I’m sure once the kids are out of university, we’re going to speak a lot less.”
Another friend confided that she and her husband also hardly talk. “He booked a family holiday without consulting me and guess who scrambled to change my work schedule, the children’s tuition classes and things like swimming lessons?” She grimaced, pointing to herself.
Sapna Mathews, a senior counsellor at Eagles Mediation & Counselling Centre, said: “The key ingredient in honest and connected communication is emotional safety. Partners need to feel emotionally safe to be themselves, to share their thoughts and feelings. When this sense of safety is jeopardised, communication becomes difficult.”
Mathews added that a breakdown in communication happens when one partner makes multiple efforts at solving the problem to no avail, leading to repeated rejections or misunderstandings. The sense of safety and connection has drawn down from the couple’s “love bank” till there’s no more balance to draw from.
Here are seven practical ways to improve your communication with your partner and feel connected again:
