Experts who spoke with CNA TODAY agreed that it is “generally not healthy” for someone to define themselves primarily by their romantic relationship.
Ms Ooi Sze Jin, founder of counselling practice A Kind Place, said: “A well-rounded sense of self should include multiple aspects of identity such as personal interests, goals, friendships and values.
“Defining oneself solely through a relationship can be a sign of co-dependency, where one’s sense of self-worth becomes overly reliant on the dynamics of the relationship.”
WHEN YOU BECOME A “WE”
Ms Jeanice Chong, a clinical psychologist at Heartscape Psychology, said that when someone’s self-worth is tied heavily to their relationship, “it can undermine the person’s sense of competence, self-esteem, identity and independence”.
“If our self-worth is contingent on our partner’s approval, we may end up prioritising our partner’s needs over ours.
“This may convey the message that our needs do not matter, resulting in difficulty maintaining our boundaries with our partners.”
Agreeing, Ms Ooi said that defining oneself solely by a relationship can harm mental health because it can shift the focus of control away from oneself, leaving the person vulnerable to instability.
If the relationship is going well, one might feel validated, but if it faces challenges, the person can feel inadequate, anxious or even depressed.
Over time, such behaviour can erode one’s confidence, strain friendships and limit one’s ability to pursue personal goals or independence.
“It may also create a pattern of unhealthy behaviours such as excessive people-pleasing or avoiding conflict, which further affects the person’s overall well-being,” Ms Ooi added.
Ms Jasmine Ong, 33, recalled when her friend of 10 years also pulled a “vanishing act” after getting into a relationship.
“I always had to initiate conversations and after a while, it got extremely tiring,” the senior writer of an online publication said.
Ms Theresa Pong, founding director of private practice The Relationship Room, said that when people define themselves primarily through their romantic relationships, their personal goals and identities may become intertwined with their partner’s aspirations, potentially compromising personal ambitions.
“Over-identification” with a relationship role can limit exploring other aspects of one’s identity, she added.
WHAT YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS CAN DO
Approaching friends or loved ones who may have become overly immersed in a relationship to the exclusion of others can be “delicate”, because this concern may be interpreted as jealousy or criticism.
Ms Ooi suggested approaching the topic with curiosity rather than judgment and asking gentle questions such as “How are you doing outside of your relationship?” or “What’s been exciting for you lately?”
“It is also important to create a safe and supportive space where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and needs,” Ms Pong said.
She suggested that friends may invite the new couple to join their activities or connect the couple with groups that align with their passions and values.
Ms Pong said that phrases such as “I’m here for you if you want to talk” or “How are you feeling about your relationship lately?” could open the door to meaningful conversations without making the person feel judged or pressured.
