Two weekends ago, my husband and I got into an argument in our kitchen. It kept escalating, so I stormed upstairs to reorganise my closet – my version of a rock star destroying a hotel room.
When I returned to the kitchen to snag some paper towels, my husband pointed out our window as if nothing had happened. “Look at that!” he said. “I think it’s a Carolina wren.”
He does this a lot. I find it frustrating but endearing: He desperately wants to move on.
But Tom’s bird-watching is an avoidance tactic, said Antonio Quirindongo Jr, a psychotherapist in New Jersey. What it conveys, he said, is “‘I feel discomfort, I want out, and so there’s a bird.’”
When you argue with your partner, the emotional hangover can leave you rattled, resentful and unsure how to reconnect. But experts say there are clear steps you can take to move forward.
1. TAKE A BREAK
A spat with a partner “changes the chemistry in our brains and bodies,” said Galena Rhoades, a psychologist at the University of Denver and co-author of Fighting For Your Marriage.
Your fight-or-flight response is activated, she said, increasing your heart rate and releasing stress hormones like cortisol. This so-called emotional flooding makes it hard to think or communicate logically.
So take at least 30 minutes to cool down and “get back to a place where you can think more rationally,” she said.
Tell your partner you are taking a time out and estimate how long that will be, she added, so it’s clear your leaving isn’t a punishment.
2. APOLOGISE FOR YOUR PART
After an argument, Dr Rhoades said, you often have to tackle two issues: the situation that started the fight, “and the hurt that came with how heated things got.”
Address the hurt with an apology. Even if you feel that you are fully in the right, you can usually find ways that you contributed to the fight, said A Jordan Wright, a clinical associate professor of psychology at New York University. An apology, he added, “signals to the other person that you’re earnestly trying to repair, not just trying to sweep it under the rug.”
3. HAVE A “CLOSING CONVERSATION”
Once you’ve both cooled down, have what a therapist friend of mine calls a “closing conversation,” in which you do a post-mortem on the argument.
Dr Rhoades recommended the speaker-listener technique, which helps couples communicate more effectively by adding structure to their discussions.
One person speaks, and then the other paraphrases what was said. Take turns, she said, use short sentences, and don’t interrupt each other.
Don’t rake up old grievances, she added, and stay on topic. Dr Rhoades suggests this structure: “I felt X when this specific situation happened at this specific time.”
If things still get heated, take another timeout and try again later, Dr Rhoades said. Sometimes an issue takes more than one conversation.
And if your partner seems receptive, offer a small sign of affection, whether it’s a gentle joke, a reassuring smile or a physical gesture.
“Every couple has its own implicit language of communicating that things are OK,” said Dr Wright, who added that he and his husband make sure to hug at the end of an argument.
4. FINISH WITH A “PALATE CLEANSER”
Quirindongo said that after a difficult therapy session, he will often ask his clients: “What can you do to cleanse your palate?”
This works well after an argument, he said. It can be any activity that you both enjoy to solidify your bond – walking, going out to dinner or watching a movie. “It can be just cuddling, or maybe sex,” he said.
The next time Tom and I get into an argument, we will try these steps. A few hours after the bird comment, peace was restored when Tom handed me an iced coffee and a plate of cookies.
Dr Rhoades told me she approved of that gesture. It’s indirect, she said, “but he’s communicating that he cares about you and he’s in it with you.”
She’s right. We’ve been together 25 years, and Tom knows that plates of cookies are my love language. We munched on them together in silence that was awkward at first, and eventually grew companionable.
By Jancee Dunn © The New York Times Company
The article originally appeared in The New York Times.
